Domestic violence against men: Know the signs

Domestic violence against men isn’t always easy to identify, but it can be a serious threat. Know how to recognize if you’re being abused — and how to get help.

Women aren’t the only victims of domestic violence. Understand the signs of domestic violence against men, and know how to get help.

Recognize domestic violence against men

Domestic violence — also known as intimate partner violence — occurs between people in an intimate relationship. Domestic violence against men can take many forms, including emotional, sexual and physical abuse and threats of abuse. It can happen in heterosexual or same-sex relationships.

It might not be easy to recognize domestic violence against men. Early in the relationship, your partner might seem attentive, generous and protective in ways that later turn out to be controlling and frightening. Initially, the abuse might appear as isolated incidents. Your partner might apologize and promise not to abuse you again.

In other relationships, domestic violence against men might include both partners slapping or shoving each other when they get angry — and neither partner seeing himself or herself as being abused or controlled. This type of violence, however, can still devastate a relationship, causing both physical and emotional damage.

You might be experiencing domestic violence if your partner:

Calls you names, insults you or puts you down
Prevents you from going to work or school
Stops you from seeing family members or friends
Tries to control how you spend money, where you go or what you wear
Acts jealous or possessive or constantly accuses you of being unfaithful
Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs
Threatens you with violence or a weapon
Hits, kicks, shoves, slaps, chokes or otherwise hurts you, your children or your pets
Forces you to have sex or engage in sexual acts against your will
Blames you for his or her violent behavior or tells you that you deserve it

If you’re gay, bisexual or transgender, you might also be experiencing domestic violence if you’re in a relationship with someone who:

Threatens to tell friends, family, colleagues or community members your sexual orientation or gender identity
Tells you that authorities won’t help a gay, bisexual or transgender person
Tells you that leaving the relationship means you’re admitting that gay, bisexual or transgender relationships are deviant
Justifies abuse by telling you that you’re not “really” gay, bisexual or transgender
Says that men are naturally violent

Create a safety plan

Leaving an abuser can be dangerous. Consider taking these precautions:

Call a domestic violence hotline for advice. Make the call at a safe time — when the abuser isn’t around — or from a friend’s house or other safe location.
Pack an emergency bag that includes items you’ll need when you leave, such as extra clothes and keys. Leave the bag in a safe place. Keep important personal papers, money and prescription medications handy so that you can take them with you on short notice.
Know exactly where you’ll go and how you’ll get there.

Protect your communication and location

An abuser can use technology to monitor your telephone and online communication and to track your physical location. If you’re concerned for your safety, seek help. To maintain your privacy:

Use phones cautiously. Your abuser might intercept calls and listen to your conversations. He or she might use caller ID, check your cellphone or search your phone billing records to see your complete call and texting history.
Use your home computer cautiously. Your abuser might use spyware to monitor your emails and the websites you visit. Consider using a computer at work, at the library or at a friend’s house to seek help.
Remove GPS devices from your vehicle. Your abuser might use a GPS device to pinpoint your location.
Frequently change your email password. Choose passwords that would be impossible for your abuser to guess.
Clear your viewing history. Follow your browser’s instructions to clear any record of websites or graphics you’ve viewed.

Where to seek help

In an emergency, call 911 — or your local emergency number or law enforcement agency. The following resources also can help:

Someone you trust. Turn to a friend, relative, neighbor, co-worker, or religious or spiritual adviser for support.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE (800-799-7233). The hotline provides crisis intervention and referrals to resources.
Your health care provider. Doctors and nurses will treat injuries and can refer you to other local resources.
A counseling or mental health center. Counseling and support groups for people in abusive relationships are available in most communities.
A local court. Your district court can help you obtain a restraining order that legally mandates the abuser to stay away from you or face arrest. Local advocates may be available to help guide you through the process.

Domestic violence against men can have devastating effects. Although you may not be able to stop your partner’s abusive behavior, you can seek help. Remember, no one deserves to be abused.

If you seek help, you also might confront a shortage of resources for male victims of domestic violence. Health care providers and other contacts might not think to ask if your injuries were caused by domestic violence, making it harder to open up about abuse. You might fear that if you talk to someone about the abuse, you’ll be accused of wrongdoing yourself. Remember, though, if you’re being abused, you aren’t to blame — and help is available.

Start by telling someone about the abuse, whether it’s a friend, relative, health care provider or other close contact. At first, you might find it hard to talk about the abuse. However, you’ll also likely feel relief and receive much-needed support.

You might be experiencing domestic violence if your partner:

Calls you names, insults you or puts you down
Prevents you from going to work or school
Stops you from seeing family members or friends
Tries to control how you spend money, where you go or what you wear
Acts jealous or possessive or constantly accuses you of being unfaithful
Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs
Threatens you with violence or a weapon
Hits, kicks, shoves, slaps, chokes or otherwise hurts you, your children or your pets
Forces you to have sex or engage in sexual acts against your will
Blames you for his or her violent behavior or tells you that you deserve it

If you’re gay, bisexual or transgender, you might also be experiencing domestic violence if you’re in a relationship with someone who:

Threatens to tell friends, family, colleagues or community members your sexual orientation or gender identity
Tells you that authorities won’t help a gay, bisexual or transgender person
Tells you that leaving the relationship means you’re admitting that gay, bisexual or transgender relationships are deviant
Justifies abuse by telling you that you’re not “really” gay, bisexual or transgender
Says that men are naturally violent

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